Tough Talks from the Heart

The Gathering

Dec 28

Conversation and Lovingkindness

We began our December 20th discussion with a lovingkindness (Pali: “metta”) practice. In this meditation, we offer ourselves and others safety, happiness, health, and ease. You may find that taking a few minutes to do this practice before any difficult conversation helps you approach the situation with a sense of compassion for everyone involved.

It’s worth remembering that people who say or do harmful things are still human, and want the same things as we do: to have these four qualities (safety, happiness, health, and ease) in their lives. In fact, those who speak or behave in unskillful ways are likely lacking in one (or more) of these areas. For example, think of how easy it is to lash out when you feel threatened. Doing the lovingkindness practice does not mean we excuse harmful words or actions; it does not mean that people are absolved of accountability. Nor does it mean we have to forgive people before we are ready to do so. Rather, taking a moment to recognize the mutual humanity of all parties creates the potential for more compassionate and nuanced conversation. Try the practice now to see how it makes you feel.

Meet People Where They’re At

Our family members may struggle to keep up with changing social norms and attitudes. That doesn’t say anything about their intelligence. If you’ve lived most of your life without having your assumptions and beliefs challenged on a deep level, this can be a confusing time. Even our family members we consider to be more on the progressive side may have a difficult time understanding the nuances of social and cultural privilege. Conventions around language and behavior seem to be changing at a frightening pace, and might be out of step with what someone has spent decades of their life believing is true.

In difficult discussions about social issues, it can be helpful to acknowledge that all of these social and political changes can be challenging and frustrating. It’s important to not be condescending. The person you’re talking to isn’t stupid; they’re simply a beginner when it comes to contemporary attitudes about social justice. Adapting one’s long-held beliefs is a challenge for even the most progressive person, and if you’ve lived a life where you haven’t had to do that often, that skill has gone unused for a long time. Acknowledging disorientation or frustration helps the person you’re talking to feel seen.

Remember the value of recognizing your audience. Some people find academic language pretentious; avoid it when you can. In addition, many of the concepts or issues can seem abstract; try to draw on relevant examples from people’s lives. Make the human connection as much as possible. Finally, keep in mind the value of humility. You don’t have all the answers, and you’re probably going to make mistakes down the line.

Discussion and Discernment

If things get heated, it’s a good idea to check in with people to make sure they’re still willing and able to continue the conversation. Everyone has the potential to get triggered—even people who don’t believe in the concept of triggering. If things are starting to get too uncomfortable, check in, asking something like, “Are you okay to continue this conversation right now?” If they’re not, consider switching to another activity, such as taking a walk or playing a low-stakes game. You can resume the conversation at a later time, when people feel calm.

In addition, recognize that it’s both important to have these discussions, and that (socially distant) Christmas dinner might not be the right time for your family. Both of these things can be true. If the holidays are truly not the best time, wait. You’re not going to make much headway if people are not in a place to be receptive. That being said, don’t use the situation as an excuse to give up. Pick a future date for a social justice discussion; schedule it onto your calendar, and hold yourself accountable.

Finally, don’t give up! You don’t learn to play the piano in one lesson. You become a musician over numerous lessons, and even more practice sessions. If one conversation doesn’t go as well as you thought, try again later. Change and progress rarely happen overnight; it will probably take a few tense conversations. Plus, you never know which seeds you’ve planted will take root. A supposedly frustrating conversation one day might yield insight in another person a month later.

Know Your Limits

Communication is a two-way street. If you’re doing everything you can to talk on compassionate and caring terms, but the other person is not reciprocating, you may choose to shut down discussion, sometimes permanently. You do not have to compromise your own well-being by constantly trying to engage with someone who is consistently hostile to you or your children. Remember that you deserve safety, happiness, health, and a sense of ease.

Likewise, you might find that you can broach certain topics with family members, but others are off-limits. This goes back to meeting people where they’re at and knowing your audience. You’re not going to change everyone’s mind over the course of one discussion. Take it one topic at a time. You might find, after some discussions about some less-contentious topics, people are willing to broach conversations that were previously considered unacceptable.

Talking with Children

While much of our discussion focused on talking about social justice with our elders, we could not ignore the necessity of having similar conversations with children. Some parents noted that their children have already internalized the idea that people should be color-blind, and see their classmates for who they are as people, rather than seeing the color of their skin. While we obviously want children to be able to see the humanity in everyone they meet, the challenge comes from the fact that, often, the stance of being color-blind has been an opportunity to ignore the injustices that people of color, queer people, disabled people, and poor people face. That sense of color-blindness often resorts to whiteness (or maleness, or cisgendered heterosexuality) as the default, without any sense of interrogation. We need to have conversations with children that preserve that impulse to recognize everyone’s humanity, while also recognizing and taking a stand against the many forms of oppression that affect different groups of people. We also need to teach children to honor different cultural traditions and their contexts.

Call to Action

Contemplate: Consider the following before beginning a difficult discussion.

What are some mistakes you’ve made on your social justice journey, and how did you rectify them?
What have you found helpful with regards to communication about sensitive issues?
What are your specific intentions for social justice discussions with your family?
Consider your communication habits. How might you adjust to meet people where they’re at?

Discuss: Have social justice discussions with friends or family members.

Consider picking a specific topic to keep the discussion focused.
If the holidays are not the right time, consider what a more appropriate time would be. Commit to it. Hold yourself accountable.

Learn: Take a look at the resources we shared before, during, and after our meeting.

“Want to Have Better Conversations About Racism with Your Parents? Here’s How,” a conversation between Ijeoma Oulo and Sarah McCammon.
Episode 6 of the Conspirituality podcast: Specifically, the interview with Steven Hassan, which begins at the 37-minute mark
“Shhhhhhhhh! Don’t Say the R-Word,” an article about discussing racism by The Anti-Racist Educator.
“Have Tough Conversations”, from the December 21st, 2020 edition of Nicole Cardoza’s Anti-Racism Daily email
The Conscious Kid, an Instagram account about “Parenting and Education through a Critical Race Lens.
Talking Race with Young Children from NPR’s Life Kit program on Parenting: Difficult Conversations

Give: If you have the means to do so, make financial contributions to equity work.

Contribute to our Community Fund, which goes toward making our mark in the wellness world more equitable. Members and corporate clients can contribute monthly or as one-time gifts that go to pay our teachers to offer free classes. We also use the Community Fund to offer scholarship spots reserved for marginalized folks for all of our workshops and events.
If you’re looking to help out anti-racism organizations as part of your year-end giving, use this tool from the Racial Equity Resource Guide to help you make a decision.

Share: Ways you can support our work.

Send this blog post to someone you know who needs help talking about social justice.
Nominate someone or claim one of our no-cost spots for Laura’s upcoming Beginner’s Yoga Series in January.
More perspectives = more understanding. Share your thoughts and experiences with us.
Invite folks to the next conversation.
Spread the word about future Gatherings on social media.